Wednesday, October 8, 2008

chaos at the pump- and two jokes I made up. rhyme.

I'm borrowing my friend Josh's car for the week. You need to know that.

I took my lunch break today and thought I'd get some gas before I picked up some Arbys. I do love my roast beef. So I'm at the gas pump, and everything's fine... I only put $15 in because I'm poor, and as I was finishing up, someone's car alarm started going off. It was the worst and loudest noise I had ever heard. Just imagine every horrible noise, roll those into one and you have it. So I looked around and zeroed in on what I thought to be the source of the car alarm; the girl in front of me. She looked back at me and I just stared at her, wondering why she wasn't doing anything about it. This all went on for about 30+ seconds until I realized that it was MY car alarm that was going off. Well, I've never owned a car that even knew what an alarm was, so I was thrown into a panic. I must say I kept my calm though. I walked over to the drivers seat and just turned the car on. And it stopped. Quick thinking I say. But then I thought I had lost the cap to the gas tank in my time of worry. I searched and searched for it, and finally found it twisted back where it was supposed to be. Goodness.

1. What did the dad say when his kids complained about him making them go to the non-nudist beach?

- There are no butts about it.

2. What did the spaghetti say to the lone macaroni noodle in the bowl with it?


Copyright: me 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

cavities make me think

Do ventriloquists have normal, intelligible conversations with dentists while they're getting their teeth worked on? I've always hated when dentists or their assistants ask me questions that require much more than just a yes or no answer. Like "So where you working these days?" or "When did you cut your hair?" or "Can you name all of the states in alphabetical order for me?" Okay, that last one was made up, but you get the idea. I'm sure you've experienced it yourself. I just wonder if ventriloquists have an easier time with it than us "normal" people, since they can talk without moving their mouths. If anyone knows one, find out and get back to me. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

well, folks.

There's a good chance I'm driving the most unsafe, detrimental, and environmentally harmful vehicle that has ever been driven.

Go James.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

not just a coincidence.

Today, as I was pretending to be working for about the 9th hour in a row (literally, that isn't an exaggeration), I discovered something. Usually I listen to videos/songs/interviews on Youtube, and then when I get bored with that I'll move onto looking everything and anything up on Wikipedia. Occassionally I'll combine those two activites into one project, and today was one of those occassions.

I was listening to part 7/10 of MST3K's (Mystery Science Theatre 3000) Monster A Go-Go, and I decided that I wanted to find out more about my favorite tv show. So, off I pranced (well, typed- but it was really excited typing) to Wikipedia. I started to read about it, and was enjoying little random facts that I hadn't known previously, when all of the sudden..... I made the discovery. Are you ready?

MST3K made it's first television appearance on Thanksgiving Day- November 24, 1988.

November 24, 1988 was my first birthday.

Coincidence? Absolutely not. It was planned, I know it. MST3K and I shared a first. We are connected. Our lives are intertwined. I think I've known it all along, deep down. But it was just nice to see it written out like that.

I realize this entry might be confusing to those of you who've never heard of MST3K.... if that's the case, I suggest you look it up and un-confuse yourselves. You'll thank me.

Also, in celebration of this wonderful day of discovery and our shared birthday, feel free to present me with MST3K volumes/episodes in the form of DVDs before, during, or after November 24th. I already own "This Island Earth". Thank you.

PS- I thought I was going to have to take my dad to the hospital just barely. He sold his plasma today, and he took off the bandage they put on, and blood started seeping everywhere. Literally. He would take off the toilet paper he had on top of the place where they inserted the needle, and his arm would be covered with blood in seconds. I was typing this very entry when he asked if I could get him a bandaid, and after I looked up and saw what was happening I ran to the closet and frantically threw all of our medical supplies around trying to find some gauze and some of that stick-to-itself medical bandaging. Then all the sudden, he said "I'm fine, I'm fine" so I looked over and the bleeding had stopped. Completely. WOW that was terrifying. Sorry this blog ended up being a lot longer than planned. Blame my dad. And the plasma center.

Monday, September 15, 2008

things i simply don't understand

1.Female athletes who wear large hoop earrings while participating in their chosen sport ( I can't even wear large hoop earrings to work without injuring myself or others. And I sit at a desk and type all day. How do they do it?

2.When vendors at events complain about reporting and paying the sales tax they collected from people who purchased their goods. We (the tax commission) aren't taking money from you- you took it from the people, and we're simply collecting it. It was never yours. If anyone should be upset, it should be your customers. And I don't get to keep any of it. I just have to sit and count the thousands upon thousands of one dollar bills you so graciously chose to pay with. If you want to make a statement, go march on Capitol Hill.

3.Phone voices. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, my voice changes when I talk on the phone. I sound more exciting than I really am. I've noticed this happens with everyone, especially when talking to strangers, or making appointments.

4.Why celebrities aren't happy with thriving in one type of fame. Some are okay with just being movie stars, or just being singers, but there are those who have a clothing line, a perfume, a reality tv show, an art gallery featuring their own artwork, a barbie doll, 65 albums, and 47 upcoming films (that are more often than not about the same thing). Okay, we know you're talented. Good for you. You can be talented around us, just don't be talented AT us. It comes off as a little aggressive.

5.HELEN. KELLER. And whoever taught Helen Keller. I will never understand how you can teach someone who can't hear or see. Sure, you could use the sense of touch. But HOW?! How did she even know she was a human? How did she even know what a human was? Em and I were talking about it while we were locked out of her apartment, and we came to the conclusion that sure, they could teach her to read braille. But even IF she got to a point where she could tell that so many dots make up an "A"..... what the hell is an "A"? Are you, reader, comprehending this? She couldn't hear or see. From infancy. Just close your eyes and put some ear plugs in and try to do something. I bet you can't do it very well. And you already know what everything is. What if you didn't know? I think this upsets me more than interests me, because it seems so impossible. But it happened. Helen Keller herself said "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." How does she even know what those words mean. And yes, I meant for that to be a statement and not a question. I think Helen Keller and whoever taught her aren't credited enough for succeeding in the face of so many impossibilities.

6.Why I've spent so much time typing this almost ridiculous blog. Goodnight, all.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

the clap

No, I'm not talking about the STD. Disappointing, I know. You'll get over it.

I'm talking about the physical action of clapping. Not only is it one of my favorite ways to convey approval or excitement, it's one of my favorite sounds. Lately I've been thinking about clapping more than I usually do, and if you take a minute to ponder it as I have, you'll realize that it's sort of an odd thing. We slap our hands together. To make noise. To express our joy.

So who was the first person to clap? There had to be someone. It can't be a primal instinct of ours. I don't think our cavemen ancestors (or Adam and Eve, however you view our existence) did much clapping in their day. They probably didn't have much to clap about. What performance or occurence was SO good and SO moving, that it caused someone to take their hands and slap them together for the first time? Did they clap once? Did they continue clapping until the clapping fever had swept the entire area and everyone's hands started bleeding? What a feeling that must have been for that individual/crowd. Literally. Both the knowledge of having created a means of sharing the same emotion, and the pain from the bleeding hands.

In conclusion, however clapping came about, I'm glad it did. Out of all the ways celebrating events and people could've been, I think clapping is simply the best. So, here's to you, individual. Thank you for the clap.